Category Archives: Reflection

Hello 2008

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Every time the end of the year rolls around, I have a difficult time trying to sum up the year or come up with a lengthy list of profound moments. Life is, for the most part, a series of boring events punctuated by moments of imagined importance. Sure every once in awhile something huge happens, like a wedding, a birth, or a death. But those are few and far between.

Nevertheless, 2007 was a pretty good year. I rediscovered enthusiasm in a job I wasn’t sure I liked. New friendships were made, existing friendships were reinvigorated. Perhaps more importantly, I also realized that I can’t be friends with everyone, and that it’s actually okay to stay home more often than not. A huge highlight this year was our friends (WoW guildmates) from Hawaii coming to visit us in San Francisco, and us traveling to Hawaii to visit them as well. I think that more than anything has cemented my belief that real relationships can be made anywhere, even within the virtual walls of Ironforge.

So what will 2008 bring? In short, I’m cautiously optimistic. I have a sneaky feeling that I’ll get a lot more responsibility heaped on my shoulders, perhaps more so than I can handle. Not just career-wise, but socially as well. I really need to learn to be a lot more organized with my time, and currently, that’s not going so hot. No matter how much I try, I can’t rein in this whole time management thing. And that starts off the 2008 resolutions list:

1) Finally READ GTD. And perhaps implement some of it via OmniFocus or some such.

2) Read more books. I’m pretty bad with this. Hoping that V’s S&L book club thing will help, though I’m pretty bad about discussing topics. I generally just like to gush about scenes and characters. “OMG, that scene where he discovered the secret of that old man? SO GOOD.” Me, English major? Yeah, sad, huh?

3) Get more active and perhaps lose weight in the process. I think the idea of weight loss being a goal is the thing that’s holding me back, because it seems like such an unachievable goal. I tend to be pretty impatient, so if I don’t see results immediately, I get frustrated. I got into running late last year, but a knee injury kept me from going back. Maybe a combination of pilates and running will help somehow.

4) Save more money. I kinda blew this in 2007, but I really got back on track late in the year, with my credit score finally getting to a comfortable level. I owe this to three things: 1) Signing up for myFico.com, a credit service that alerts you to any changes in your score 2) Signing up for ING Direct, an FDIC insured bank that lets you earn interest with your checking account, and 3) Mint.com. I know, Mint.com makes a lot of people nervous, but I honestly think it’s not as bad as people think. I’ve gained a lot of insight into my entire financial portfolio, in a single interface. Not a lot of programs can do that. Plus, it updates everything in real time. I trust them so far. So much so, I believe I can be debt-free before the end of the year.

5) Relax more. This means I need to not stress out over the little things. Worry less. Let things go. Ohmmm. Maybe I’ll actually use more of my vacation time as well.

And finally, I hope to maintain my existing friendships and perhaps satisfy my readership to some degree as well. I love you guys. Happy new year everyone!

Facebook and the Art of Passive Aggressive Socializing

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When Dodgeball came along a few years ago (has it really been that long? Wow.), it proved to be a great way to connect with friends somewhat randomly without you having to do the tedious work of actually calling them up and arranging a meeting. That was when me and a few friends coined the term “passive aggressive socializing” because that was essentially what it was — you’re attempting to socialize by sending out a message to a group of friends at the off-chance that MAYBE they’re in the neighborhood and that MAYBE they even want to find you. There’s nothing terrible about this — I have personally used Dodgeball in this manner, and it has worked — but it can lead people to be incredibly lazy about building and maintaining relationships. Why bother to actually invite someone to a party when you can Dodgeball it to everyone and be satisfied with whoever shows up? I recall a few stories of people feeling miffed that they weren’t invited to a party that someone dodgeballed about, when in fact the Dodgeball message WAS the invitation. See what I mean?

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. As Web 2.0 trucks along, there are now many ways to flex your passive-aggressive socializing prowess. You can broaden your social network by adding random people as contacts on Facebook, or Upcoming, or Pownce, or MySpace, or some other Web 2.0 social network. While not the same thing as Dodgeball, the broad use of the term “friend” (which has apparently lost all meaning in the Web 2.0 world) does create an illusion of socialization without you having to actually.. you know.. socialize. Of course, there are services like Twitter that does make that distinction clear — the people you’re following aren’t necessarily friends; they’re just people who post things you’re interested in — and not all Web 2.0 social networks fall into this category. But the more popular ones do.

Let’s take Facebook as an example. I make it a point to only “friend” people I actually know — or at least know enough about that I don’t mind reading their posts. I don’t want my Friend Status page to get cluttered by people I don’t care that much about. But, I also understand those who befriend everyone — hey, it can be interesting to take a peek in other people’s lives. That’s fine. What’s weird, however, are the people from my long-ago past adding me as a Facebook friend without me hearing from them for years. When this first started happening, I was very intrigued. Wow, I can’t believe these people remember me! Wow, look at how he/she has changed! Wow, I’m impressed she works there now! And so on and so forth. It was a wave of nostalgia that was not altogether unpleasant. What ended up happening though, was that the socialization ended there. These long-ago friends of yesteryear added me to their Facebook friends list, and left it at that. No further messages. No further interactions. That was it.

Now, maybe they were waiting for me to make the move in sending them a message. The passive-aggressive bit begins. Do I say something? Do I just accept their friend request and leave it at that? That was what I ended up doing, because there didn’t seem to be any indication that they wanted to communicate. But then they started inviting me to install Facebook apps. “You have been bitten by a Zombie!” Or “You have been invited to a game of Scrabulous!” Which, again, is fine and all, but this still feels like a bizarre interaction to have with someone you haven’t met in years. Weirder still is when you participate in these virtual games with someone you used to be friends with — “She.. bit me and now I’m a Vampire? Wait…. should I be taking that the wrong way?” There’s a similar rant I could get on about co-workers trying to do this passive-aggressive networking thing with LinkedIn, but that’s a way hairier issue than I’m willing to get into here.

But that does bring me to the point that it’s not the TOOL that’s the problem, it’s the people who are using the tools. For some reason, there are people who willingly give in to the convenience of not having to talk to people to be friends with them. So this is a partial theory for the phenomenon: Passive-aggressive socializing comes naturally to the socially awkward or to socially awkward situations. It’s hard for people who are rather shy like me to go out there and make friends with a bunch of people, and it’s easier to just send tiny little messages here and there into the ether, hoping for a connection. And maybe that’s how these passive forms of online communications exist — to give a voice to people who don’t know any better, who are too scared to bridge the gap, who are too introverted to speak. Which is understandable, but also a tiny bit sad. And as for the long-lost friend situation, maybe there are simply too many years between us for either of us to even feel comfortable saying something as simple as “Hi, how’ve you been?” But, for some reason, it’s way easier to send each other Facebook app requests. Anything to avoid actual communication, eh?

So… I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t *like* these social networks. Hey, I wouldn’t participate in them if I didn’t get some small enjoyment out of connecting with friends and people I know. But once the social network begins to replace interpersonal communication, that’s when I get weirded out. People seem to forget that these online social networks are primarily built to strengthen relationships, not become a substitute for one. I’ll admit that I fall into these traps too, which is why I’ve been making some small attempt to reconnect with friends and meet them in person (what a concept!). Heck, I’ll even take IMs and emails at this point. Better than just sitting in silence waiting for someone to speak.

Culturally Asian

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A friend of mine mentioned a phrase the other day that got me thinking about my own Asian identity. The phrase was “culturally Asian,” and he mentioned it in reference to another mutual acquaintance (“She’s very culturally Asian”). I immediately understood what he meant — that she not only spoke the language, but she ascribed to the cultural traditions of the race. Stereotypically-speaking, Chinese women are frugal, thrifty, bargain-hunters, perfectionists, and know how to pick a fight. Going further, I would assume that she has a rice cooker and maybe even an electric water boiler in the home.

That made me think of my sister-in-law. Even though she was born and bred in Indonesia, she was raised in a very traditional Chinese household. She speaks the language, plus when her wedding rolled around, she threw the traditional Chinese wedding with the five-course dinner with shark’s fin soup, and of course had to have the massive photo album with various outfits and settings. She cooks Chinese food all the time, and when it came time for her to have her first child, she took a lot of Chinese medication to supplement the Western stuff. In essence, she reminds me of my relatives when I was growing up back in Malaysia. I was surrounded with people who were very, well, culturally Asian.

Which makes me look at myself in the mirror and wonder what in the world happened to me. I may have some Asian trappings — I have a rice cooker, and I like Asian foods and snacks — but everything else is distinctly “Western” or “generic.” I was raised in an English-speaking household, with a love of English-speaking TV shows and movies, with a love of books written in English. I was reading fluently by the time I was 6 or 7, and my mom was known to leave me all alone in bookstores because she knew I would be happy just sitting by myself for hours. I went to the library all the time (I read Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn when I was 10 or 11). I was watching Arsenio Hall when I was 14 (I even recorded a few episodes on the VCR. Wow, that’s embarrassing.) So even though I was surrounded everywhere by traditionally Asian things, I just didn’t take the bait.

That’s right — I don’t want an electric water boiler. I don’t really care too much about Chinese New Year and red packets (I actually think it enforces a money-grubbing mentality at an early age). I hate Chinese medicine. I am not loud by any means. I am a very generous tipper. I refuse to eat shark’s fin soup. I generally don’t like large gatherings of people. I don’t like HK pop or J pop. Yeah, okay, I like the food, and I can’t say no to freshly made soy milk, and dim sum rocks the house. But I’m struggling to find anything else I identify with. Sometimes people ask me why I’m not more involved in Asian activist organizations, and it’s simply this: I just don’t feel Asian enough. If being Asian means you have to ascribe to certain cultural mores, then maybe I’m not Asian. Which, of course, I am.

There’s a larger issue here, I think, in regards to being raised Chinese in Malaysia (an Asian country with close ties to the Western world), plus having immigrated to the United States a few years ago. Along the way, race had little to do with my personal identity formation, and more to do with checking off the right boxes on bureaucratic forms. I wonder how American Born Chinese feel. I wonder if they feel the same way — a sort of identity amnesia when it comes to race. With the oddest feeling that they SHOULD conform — that they should know how to use chopsticks, and they should speak the language, and they should know how to cook rice — but also feeling a strange desire NOT to conform.

This reminds me of an incident a few years ago, when I was explaining to someone that I don’t like being told what to do. In fact, the more you tell me to do something, the harder I resist. “You should lose weight,” my relatives would say. And I would hate it, and refuse to do anything about it all the more. By the same token, I don’t like conforming to things if I can help it. Don’t tell me to be “more Asian.” Just let me be ME.

And that ends this evening’s rant.

Et tu, Universe?

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Okay. What’s up, universe? Just lay it out for me. What’s the deal? In one week alone, I’ve lost my wallet, received emails from family, received IMs from ex-boyfriends, have lots of work to do at the office, and am overall feeling a little unsettled. Now don’t get me wrong — I’m still feeling fine. It’s all good. But… wow. That’s quite a bit of emotional bombardment in a single week. I just got on the gravy train to peace love and happiness, and a bump in the tracks has left me seasick. (Well that was an awkward metaphor).

You know what this is? This is the Universe telling me to not get too big for my britches. I’ve been floating on cloud 9 since the new job, feeling full of hubris and pretty much invincible. This is karma’s brother’s way of saying, “Yo girl. Step it down a notch. Keep it real.” (No, I can’t explain why the Universe speaks in ghetto slang. I think it just loves the hip-hop. Or maybe it’s ’cause I’ve been listening to too much Kanye West. “Ooh hecky naw that boy is raw.” Love it.)

Years ago, in a private IRC channel of ill repute, a Malaysian compadre said to me in an oh-so-patronizing tone, that I had thin skin. Why yes. Yes I do. This is why I’m sensitive, and soft, and I care too much about what people think and feel. Over the years, I’ve built up a tolerance to that. My exterior has grown its own brand of scales, with follow-up calluses and blisters. I’m still soft like Kleenex tissue, but at least I can use the power of words and sheer politeness and diplomacy to ward off the scars. In short, my words are like the Neosporin to my wafer-thin epidermis.

What does all that mean? It just means that despite this rock and roll of messaging missiles, I will heed the Universe’s call to keep it real. My emotions will not be harmed despite this thin skin, and I will use this here keyboard to spit out a shield of stringed-out sentences that will in effect say to the world: I AM OKAY. SERIOUSLY. I AM FINE.

The. End.

PS. Leave a comment if you don’t know what the hell I’m yammering on about and wish to find out.

Social circle struggles #243

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I’m getting the weirdest brain thunks in the middle of the night, I swear.

Anyway, I was at the Web 1.0 Summit Wednesday night, as well as the Colors of Web 2.0 party last night, and at both events, there have been people that I wanted to really talk to, but couldn’t get the nerve to do so. They might not be really big shots or anything, but in my world at least, I see them as being kinda like mini-celebrities. And so I was afraid to go talk to them. See, I get very flustered and nervous and start to blather around people I admire. Plus I didn’t want to seem too weird and stalker-y.

I’ve felt this way before, when I was at SXSW, when I worked at TechTV, etc. There were so many of these people that I just did not have the nerve to even say Hello to. What would I say? What would I talk about? What if I get shunned? And then out of the blue, I would decide to just get over it and go talk to one of them. And, surprise surprise, they’re actually quite accessible, and not quite as scary as I thought them to be. Some of them have become friends, while others have just become that occasional acquaintance I see at parties and such. No longer are they the mini-celebrities that I once thought they were. They were now actually Real People.

But sometimes it’s not so easy. Sometimes you say Hello, and that’s all you say. That may be all you’ll ever say. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’ll totally bum you out. Or worse, sometimes you’ll talk and talk and talk, and IN YOUR HEAD, decide that you’ve found a friend, so the next thing you do is ask him/her out for coffee or whatever, and suddenly he/she’s all “oh, I’m busy.” Oh sure maybe they really are busy. But it’ll still bum you out. And by “you” I mean “me.”

It’s probably clear by now to a lot of you that I’m a psycho with some weird socialization issues. It’s really not that way. I guess I’m kind of an introvert at heart, which is why I overthink a lot of this socialization stuff that probably comes naturally to most people. Socializing does NOT come naturally to people like me; I generally have to work at it, and try to get out of my shell. I’ve been getting better over the years, but there are still hurdles, as you can plainly see.

Man, I’ve been typing a lot more LJ-esque entries lately. I should try sleeping instead of blogging.