Category Archives: Personal

Tearing through

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[This is one of those navel-gazing personal type blog posts. Just FYI.]

June is almost over in the year 2008. It’s been a month since my 29th birthday, and I am feeling it. I can’t quite explain what it is — perhaps a sense of impending loss of innocence and youth, perhaps a sense of adulthood and responsibility raining down on me. I don’t really know. Lots of you out there are probably laughing at this confusion; after all, I’m not exactly old either.

But a part of me yearns for the days when I was relatively carefree. I could do things that I would never dream of doing now, when my moral compass was not so clearly defined. As many of you know, I am a terribly boring anti-social person. But I can assure you there was a time when that was just a facade, hiding my inner fiery personality. A few of you have had the privilege to see this personality come to life, and I believe that to be my true character. It’s the kind you see if you chat with me online, and it’s the kind you see if you get to be within my inner sanctum. It’s also the kind you see if you get me drunk enough for me to say things I would not normally say.

That said, there’s little I can do but move forward. And in the future, there be dragons. Dragons that will test my career, dragons that will test my marriage, and dragons that will test my sanity. As much as I try to bob and weave through them all, I realize that I will eventually have to draw out my sword and slay them. I’ll probably get hurt and wounded along the way, but in the end, it’ll be worth it. Well, until the next dragon comes along.

I guess I best get my suit of armor dusted off. It’s going to be a long fight.

Another year in the can

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So a few very important things happened on my birthday (It was May 15). CBS decided to buy my employing company, and the CA Supreme Court decided to overturn a state law banning gay marriage. It was also one of the hottest days in Bay Area history — around 97 degrees in San Francisco and 98 degrees in Oakland. All in all, a very eventful day, even if it wasn’t my birthday!

Also, according to the LA Times’ birthday horoscope:

(May 15): This year, you master the art of having a good time. Your friends and family look to you to keep gatherings interesting. You don’t have to do anything but be yourself. Professional gains in June put your big plans within your grasp. Your connection with Cancer and Leo is tight. Your lucky numbers are 30, 1, 25, 39 and 16.

CBS buys CNET and my professional gains improve in June. COINCIDENCE? Well, yeah, probably, since astrology is mostly hogwash. But y’know, a girl can dream.

This also means I have less than year before I turn the big Three-Oh. Nervous? Why yes, but I’m also at a pretty good place in life right now. I think this will be a year where I finally hunker down and learn what it is to be an adult. I’m applying for my citizenship this year as well, which will be another big turning point in my life. All in all, I think I have a really big year to look forward to.

Bring it.

Humor in the face of all things

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Three years ago on February 12, 2005, Brandon and I got married, under the witness of select family and friends, who gathered around our small backyard. The pastor was a gay woman, who gave a sermon with “The Gospel According to Peanuts” book in her hands. Our vows had a significant amount of geek humor. The wedding was everything that I liked about our relationship, symbolized: Cozy intimacy, openness to different ideas and beliefs, and a healthy dose of humor.

Three years later, and we’ve survived. A sudden move to a family home in order to salvage it. A maddeningly bureaucratic process to get me legalized. Both of us trading off periods of unemployment. Numerous emotional moments of us helping to save a pet we loved from dying. And through it all, we were each other’s rock, each other’s source of laughter, and each other’s unquestioning love.

Happy anniversary, Brandon Michael Hanvey. Here’s to many more years of love and joy.

Disconnect

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I’m going to go on a rather personal thought spiral, which may not be too interesting for you to read. Just fair warning. If I feel like I’ve said too much, I might delete this.

I think, as I get older, and more committed to my work life, I don’t have a lot of patience and time to be social. Every once in awhile I break this habit, but it’s rare. Mostly because by the end of the work day, I just want to go home. When the weekend comes, I just want to stay home. Going out just isn’t a thing that I do on a regular basis. Not to mention that I’m trying hard to save money right now, and that’s not always possible when I’m out late at night.

I feel increasingly disconnected, and I don’t know if it’s my fault.

Watching videos and Flickr streams of my friends lives confuses me. Sometimes I feel joy for them. Sometimes I feel pain that I’m not in there. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Shouldn’t my friends happiness be my priority? Talk about first world problems.

It’s going to be weirder now that I don’t plan on attending SXSW next year. I feel disconnected from the people who are going. I don’t think I fit into the Web 2.0 crowd anymore. I feel too jaded.

Sitting here, deep in thought, I wonder if the disconnect is normal. As life moves along in its many ups and downs, as the tide ebbs and flows, surely these things happen. Was I ever connected in the first place? Does my shielded appearance and halted mannerisms deter me from being included? Or was I always included but never felt it? Do friendships flicker in the light of the Internet? Or do they puff out because I was too busy blogging about things rather than living them?

None of that made any sense, of course. But it did to me.

PS. I’m not talking about you.