Mental barriers

In the effort to be transparent and all that jazz (and I’m not against talking about personal stuff on one’s blog. because, duh, it’s a personal blog), I will state here my few weaknesses that I feel deeply embarassed about. This is because these issues come up constantly for me, and I might as well put it out there so that it’s not locked down inside me anymore.

• Inability to speak/understand Chinese – It should be pretty obvious why this is embarassing. As to why don’t I just learn, um, that takes time. And money. And I hardly need to know it here. But I still feel embarassed about it. I know a lot of Asians here don’t understand their mother tongue and it’s fine, but I was raised in a community that made me feel bad for not knowing the language, and it still sticks with me.
• Inability to ride a bicycle – I just never learned. It’s that simple. I just never learned it. I’m not sure if it’s still something I can learn, at this age.
• Fear of pain – To this day, I have not pierced my ears because I am scared of the pain, the possible infections, and the upkeep. I didn’t learn to ride a bike because I didn’t want to fall down and get hurt. But, it’s odd, because whenever I get injured, I tend not to whine alot — I just endure it quietly and try to get over it (like whenever I get burns or blisters or cuts). I also don’t mind enduring high heels, or that muscular throbbing after a lot of cardio. However, I have never ever ever had a broken bone in my body, and I swear I will do anything not to have that happen. I think a lot of it has to do with my control freak attitude over my body. This is a bad fear to have, for it stops me from taking risks.
• Fear of rejection – I’m getting better at this, actually, but it still exists. As far as work goes, I’m okay with certain ideas being rejected. But as far as being rejected in a SOCIAL scene, I’m still rather sensitive about. Being left out is a huge one. This fear has let me miss out on a lot of social occasions and minglings because I was too scared of being rejected. It has also led to me saying “Yes” to anything people ask of me, and pretending I like something when I don’t. It’s a debilitating fear, but I’m working on it. (I’ve discovered, surprisingly, that being left out is a common thing).
• Fear of losing – I’m kind of a sore loser. I don’t show it, but whenever I lose at something, I feel bad, to the stomach. I have a hidden amount of pride and ego, and when that gets shattered, I take it kinda hard. I think some of it has to do with this stupid Asian thing about saving face. Like I said, I don’t show it, and oftentimes nobody ever knows how I really feel. This fear contributes to my intense feelings of self-consciousness whenever I’m in a group exercise class, or when I’m playing a sport I’m unfamiliar with. It’s a very depressing fear. For example, the last time I went bowling with a few college mates, I came in last place. I felt so horrible that I cried. It wasn’t really a competition, there was no prize, it was just a friendly game. But I still felt horrible about losing. It made absolutely no sense, and it was ridiculous that I would take such a silly game so seriously. I felt very stupid about crying, which made the whole thing worse. This eventually led to me having an intense hatred toward the sport of bowling. I think I’m getting a lot better at this (at video games, for example), but it still takes a lot of psychological self-coaching.

Gah, that was cathartic. These fears and inabilities are mental barriers that I’ve somehow succeeded in carrying with me all the way from childhood til now. Obviously I have faced these fears from time to time, and there have been moments of incredible breakthrough. But they’ve never really disappeared. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that being afraid to lose is a good thing — it keeps me competitive (supplementary reading: Kiasu). But, y’know what? It isn’t healthy. At least, to me it isn’t healthy. I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m not alone in these fears, but I do know that I tend to be a little more sensitive about these things than most people. Like I said, I’m working on getting through them. Hopefully I’ll get better.

As for the two inabilities, well, I kinda have to live with them for now. I’ve thought of taking classes and just trying out a bike at a local shop, but, uh, well, that fear of losing comes up again. It’s a vicious cycle. Probably my main goal in life is to get over these barriers so that I can have peace of mind. It may even happen.

PS. I password-protected this blog entry earlier because I felt a little emotionally raw after I wrote it, and didn’t know if I wanted the world to read this kinda thing yet. But now that I’ve had time to digest, I think it’s okay for it to be open. It’s not like you guys don’t already know what a sappy fool I am, right?

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 9th, 2006 at 3:42 am and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.